Silent Heart

Scars hidden beneath the surface that we all hide

The Rollorcoster

Life throws you unexpected curves that lead you to outcomes you never thought would happen. A family death, friends moving, your parents separation; those are a few examples. You just never think about a relationship and how it will impact you from the moment it starts, till it ends.

{{March 10, 2007 High School Junior Year}}

To think that I was on the verge of repeating my sophomore year. My life wasn’t as simple as a teenage high school student, having a few bad grades, and skipping out of class. I had a girlfriend, Danielle, and my Best Friend Billy, had moved to a town that was 3 hours away. We were like the three musketeers and we had the most awesome time in school we could ever ask for.

Today was a year and 9 months since we had been together as a couple. Dany was the only person, apart from Billy, that knew everything about me and could read me inside and out. I couldn’t imagine anyone else to enjoy my 3 years of high school and then finally go to college and be roommates. Screw the whole racist and judgmental world. We would own our lives and make life what we wanted. Away from our town and people that hated what and who we were. We would be an top of the world, well, at least that what I thought.

My parents never would have approved of me having a girlfriend. My dad lived back in the 1940s-1950s and you couldn’t change his antique ways. My mother was a bit more up to speed on the 20th century things, even though now and then her roots would show. My aunt had heard from someone that I was with a girl at school and that I was skipping classes. My mother, my aunt, and my sister cornered me and stated yelling at me, that I was doing things wrong and making stupid choices. That being with a girl is against gods rules and whatnot. If I was with a girl that I better be honest and tell them. I refused to let them make me fall to their pressure and in the inside, I was enraged but on the outside I crying and told my family that we were just friends. After an hour of talking and screaming to convince my female family that I was fine. They let me go and I went on with my normal week. Things didn’t get any better, no, they just got worse.

{{Morning of May 2 2007 – High School Parking Lot}}

A week before this very day, Danielle and I had been grounded for her stilling her mothers car and us talking a round trip to the outskirts of our town. Sure it was stupid, but back them, we all knew when we were teens that we could do anything our hearts desired. Finally, the night before May 2, 2007, Danielle had been in her room and her cell phone and computer had been taken away. I wanted to talk to her so bad. To tell her how much fun I had and how crazy she was, and that made me love her so much more. But I couldn’t.

The morning came, it was a little cold. I was in jeans, a black top, long straight wavy hair, black eyes shadow, by backpack was hanging low and I was very early. I had never been early to school in my life, unless Dany would be their. I waited. a long hour before school started. I waited to see her parents tan mini-van pull up and drop her off. Just like everyday for the past year. This was the time we sat next t my classroom, talked about college, weekend plans, animals, make fun of pictures we took, I mean you name it. She never showed. I was upset that her parents might have not woken up soon enough to bring her or that Dany had over slept. That wasn’t the case. She never woke up, to begin with.

I went to my class, as pure usually, and the councilor was waiting for me. The school councilor, out of all people was coming to take me to her office. I thought to myself, ‘Oh shit, I am so getting expelled for so many skips I did from classes. Great going now my parents are really going to kill me. Or maybe I am in other trouble. Shit it doesn’t matter I’m screwed either way.” I was so nervous that I had no idea what was going to happen. One thing was for sure, its like the who school knew about what I was about to find out, because everyone stared at me. Like I had paint on my face or something. One in her office, she told me to sit down and gave me a tissue box. I put it back on her desk. This is what exactly happened and the day sthat haunts me till this very second, and they day that changed my life forever:

I sad down waiting for her to speak, we had to wait for the announcements to be over. One they finished, she was quiet for a few minutes, then she spoke. I have to tell you something mija, and its not good. I sat their stupefied look on my face. Am I being expelled or what? She shook her head. Her eyes look so sad and scary. For a split second I thought it might have been my dad, that something happened to him. No its your girl – your friend Danielle. I had no idea what she was about to say. She didn’t come to school this morning.  I knew she hadn’t but I had no idea that they were keeping tabs on us that close. I felt cornered. I still didn’t say anything and she kept talking. She didn’t wake up this morning. Her parents found her in her bed asleep. Danielle is dead. I looked at her confused. What? Then, I stated laughing and she gave me the most bewildered look ever. HAHAHAH! Alright Danielle come out. I hate jokes and you know it. This isn’t funny. You got me okay. She just kept staring at me. Nothing was said for a minute. Then, she spoke. She is gone. We have notified another one of your friends. She will be here in a moment.  I stared back at her, no tears, no sadness, no feelings. I had no idea this was real. This was sickening and real. The moment our friend walked into her office, I felt my heart beat loud in my head and then, it stopped. She was crying, really hard. SO many tears. So many unspoken words. I sneezed like 4 times. Breathing came faster. I got up fast and hugged her as she sat down. My knees hit the floor and I cried, but not a crazy neurotic cry, just tears ran down my cheeks. I called your father, he is here to take you home and pick you up. I stayed quiet. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay here in school. The place where I could cry in peace and hit the walls. The place where my heart was content because I saw her every single day 5 days out of the week. The place where no one judged us because there were couples like us here. Lesbians and bisexual people that we connected with in a whole different level. I was in shock I guess. I saw my dad enter the office waiting room and I pronto cleared the tears away and blew my nose. My dad and mom hated Dany so, I didn’t want them to see me cry.

{{This is a true story :)}}

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